Kilted Thugs
Fiction play
By: Joseph Geilman and Jordan Burnett
Cast of Characters
Prince- wears a sword on his belt, is wearing an expensive tunic.Princess- Has a pretty dress on.
Thug 1- wears a kilt, has a club and a rusty sword, has a fedora on. Looks like he is forty years old
Thug 2- wears a kilt, has a pointed stick. Has not been trained in the use of pointy sticks.
Thug 3- wears a kilt, has an ax used for cutting wood, but he uses it for cutting people.
Time Setting- 1699, Springtime
Scene-
A picnic next to Loch Ness. There are plenty of trees and bushes to hide behind. The nearby castle has been abandoned due to extreme damage.
Scene I
At Rise: The prince and princess walk onstage holding baskets. They both look very grumpy. Princess: Starts whining. “ Why do we have to go on a picnic?!” She glares at the prince like it’s his fault.
Prince: Replies coolly while setting the picnic up, “Because our parents made us do it you Dumbo.”
Princess: The princess starts to humph.
As the princess sits down, the prince slips a whoopee cushion under her. The prince starts to laugh hysterically. The princess gasps and pours the wine down the front of his tunic. The prince’s eyes bulge. He picks up a turkey and throws it at her.
Princess: The princess then yells, “BAA!!” and shoves the prince into a tree.
Prince: Yells while pointing to his torn tunic, “WHAT THE HECK! THIS TUNIC COST ME A THOUSAND POUNDS!!! THAT WAS FOUL PLAY, EVEN BY MY STANDARDS! DIE YOU REBEL SCUM!! AHHHHHHHHH!”
The Prince yells ahh while running at the princess. All that noise attracts thugs, who are wearing Kilts. The three Thugs walk onto stage from the opposite side of the stage that the Princess and Prince walked onstage.
Thug 1: Ooh, look, its some little rich children all alone. Hahahaha
Thug 2: Can I poke them with my stick? (says it like an idiot)
Thug 1: (Looking at thug two)No you imbecile! Pointy sticks hurt people, remember?
Thug 2: Oh yeah. I did tell Bobby to stop bleeding.
Thug 1: (loudly) Just listen to me! We are going to mug this once was fancy people soon.
Thug 3: (In a worried voice) Boss, they are armed with a sword.
Thug 1: (In an authoritative manner)Stop talking, start subduing!!
Thug 3: Okay boss.
Thug 2: (In a winy voice) But it is my turn! He got to do it last time
Thug 3: (looking at thug 2) It’s always your turn! I think I should get a my turn for once!!
Thug 1: (angrily)JUST TIE THEM UP!!
Thugs 2&3: Yes sir.
During all this arguing, the princess had started to sneak away.
Prince: GET HER! SHE IS GETTING AWAY!
While the thugs are chasing the princess in circles, the Prince starts to draw his sword. Thug 1 sees the action, takes the sword, and brakes it over his knee. He starts to tie the prince up.
Thug 1: (With a sneer on his face) So much for that idea Mr. Richy rich.
While he was gloating, the princess gets captured by the other two thugs. The princess is brought, kicking and struggling, and is tied right next to the prince.
Thug 1: Now that we have them tied up we can eat their food.
Thug 3: I call all the turkey and wine.
Thug 1: (To thug 3) No. I get the wine because I am the leader.
Thugs start to gorge themselves on the food. The Princess starts trying to get free. Prince hangs head dejectedly. Thugs start feasting.
Prince: (To the princess)This is all your fault!! If you hadn’t shoved me into the tree I never would’ve been forced to yell at you!!
Princess: Forced. You. To. YELL! You chose to yell! It is all your fault and now we can’t go home!
Prince: (indignantly, like a child) No, you made me do it.
Thug one: (over his back) SHUT UP!
Meanwhile, the princess realizes that they tied the ropes not quite tight enough around her wrists. Soon enough, she has freed herself. The prince starts to do puppy eyes at her. She glances at him disdainfully, then starts to walk off.
Prince: SHE’S GETTING AWAY!!
Princess: You had to spoil my escape! I’m gonna kill you! (Princess runs at the prince and starts clawing his face.)
Thug 3: Get off of each other! (yelling in an annoyed voice)
Thug 3 starts to drag the princess off the prince. The princess turns and gives Thug 3 a knuckle sandwich. Thug 3 is out cold. Thug 2 comes at her with his stick. She grabs it, then pulls, using his own momentum against him. He is flung out into the lake and he almost drowns . Thug one starts to charge her, but she hides behind the prince. Thug 1 runs into the prince, and the both go out like a light.
Princess: (to no one in particular)That is girl power.
The princess unties the prince and then ties up the thugs. She takes Thug 2’s pointy stick. The prince is still knocked out. The Princess then lays a tripwire in case the thugs find a way to untie themselves. The prince wakes up. Then the prince and princess start to argue, again. The thugs start to come to.
Princess: You should thank me for saving your sorry little royal backside.
Prince: No way. I would have gotten free myself. And you leave my backside out of this.
Princess: You do not order me. I do as I like.
Prince: I call my daddy!! He’ll make you pay!!
Princess: Oh yeah! We don’t have a carriage with us.
Prince: I’ll use my homing pigeons.
Princess: Blah blah blah. Then what is this.
The princess holds up the pointy stick that was hidden behind her back and shows the prince that it has his homing pigeon stuck to it.
Prince: YOU KILLED MY PIGEON!! I’M GOING TO BREAK YOU AND YOU WILL GET ME A NEW PIGEON!!
The thugs stand up holding the ropes that tied them up. They reach down and grab thick sticks. Thug 2 Comes out from behind some trees, dripping wet from his swim in the lake. They advance on the prince and princess.
Thug 1: CHARGE!
Princess: Oh no! They are awake and free!
Prince: That is why you let men tie the knots.
The princess gets knocked out. The prince surrenders. They are tied up again. Thug 1 picks up his fallen fedora, brushes it off, and puts it back on.
Thug 1: That feels a lot better now.
Prince: (to the thugs who are eating) If you take me to my father he will ransom for me.
Thug 1: But then we would not have the pleasure to torture you.
Thug 2: Yeah. I call lighting the fire while they hang by their toes.
Thug 3: You got to do that last time! It is my turn today!
Thug 2: NO IT IS MY TURN!!
Thugs 2 and 3 start to throw fists. Princess wakes up. Princess immediately turns the fighting to her advantage.
Princess: Give him a good old left hook Thug 3.
The prince gets the idea
Prince: Do a roundhouse kick Thug 2!
Thug 1:Wait, stop fighting!!
Thug 2: (To thug 1 in a whinny voice) But I am winning.
Thug 3: No, I’m winning!! You got to win last time! It’s my turn!
Thug 2: Winning doesn’t work that way you idiot!! It only works that way when it’s my turn! And it is. My turn.
The princess and prince brake free at the same time. They walk in different directions.
Princess: Over here!
Prince: No, over here.
Thug 1: Thug 2, get the girl. Thug 3, get the boy! I’ll make sure they don’t make a run for the food.
Prince and princess start to lead the thugs towards the tripwire. Thugs follow, obliviously. When the prince and princess get to the tripwire, they jump it.The thugs don’t see it until it is too late. In the fall, Thug 3 drops his axe. The prince picks it up, and uses the flat of the blade to knock the thugs out. Thug 1 ignores all the noise, and continues eating.
Prince: (whispering to princess) I’ll sneak up from behind and knock him out, you distract him with the pointy stick.
They start the plan. Almost instantly, things go wrong. The prince trips over some rocks, and dislocates his big toe.
Prince: OWWW!! I dislocated my big toe!
Thug 1: HEY!
The thug turns around. The princess charges, and whacks the thug on the back of the head with the not pointed end of the pointy stick. The thug falls over onto the prince, popping his big toe back into place.
Prince: OUCH!!
Princess: (sarcastically) Aww, poor baby. Do you want me to kiss it better?
Prince: (does puppy eyes) mmhmm.
Prince and princess both start laughing, then walk home, holding hands after tying up the thugs. The prince is limping . Curtain.
THE END
